My Father's Daughter

 From what I can remember, it was fall or early winter. Not super cold, but chilly. The sun was shining down through the trees, bouncing off of the bare branches near the little apartment where I was moving to. One of those sunny days that seems completely out of sync with the kind of day you are actually having. The kind of beautiful day that seems to be mocking you and poking fun at how miserable you feel. I was about 5. My parents were splitting up and I was going to go live with my Mom.

The day Dad dropped me off in this new town was something I will never forget. We talked about it a lot over the years, because it was a major thing for him too. I was standing at the door crying and watching him leave. He had already picked me up and hugged me and tried to say goodbye several times. He got to the car door, put his hand on the handle and froze. He came back to me and scooped me in his arms, tears running down his face. He held me for another few seconds, then sat me on the ground. He knelt down in front of me and put his hands on my face and said, ”Look at me. I have to leave you here, even though I don’t want to. But I need you to look at me. Even when I am not with you, I am thinking about you. I am still loving you no matter where I am. I am still with you no matter where you are. And I promise, I’ll be back. I promise I will never leave you alone.” 
  At times, I feel like that 5 year old kid again. He passed away in November of 2020. He fought like hell to stay here. The strongest man I've ever known wasn't stronger than the cancer. Once again, he had to go somewhere that I couldn’t go. I am left standing here feeling lost and empty and just wishing I could be with him. I wish I could hear his voice, or hug his neck. Just knowing he was in the world kept me anchored and made me feel stronger because he always had my back. I keep replaying that scene from my childhood in my mind, and I think it still applies. He still loves me from wherever he is. He is still with me, wherever I am. He is so much a part of me that I don’t know where I start and he ends. I will always be the luckiest girl alive, because for 43 years, I had that man in my life.
   I see parts of him in my kids and helps me to remember he won’t ever be really gone. Dane got his easy going nature, inner calm and beautiful chestnut hair. Zoey has his joy, drive and work ethic. Jax has his sensitive heart and mischievous streak. Each one of them at times makes a face or expression that is 100% Freddy. 
   He didn’t leave behind any sort of big inheritance. We talked about that too. He always told me I was the only thing he ever got right. He felt like I was the one thing he was leaving in the world as his legacy. I don’t know if I can ever do him justice, but I have always tried and will always try every day. I will try to be a credit to his name. I will try to always be the person he taught me to be. I will be kind, open, courageous and empathetic. I will be honest and trustworthy and loyal. I will work hard, speak my mind and say the things that need to be said. I will love without judgement or conditions. I will forgive and be a safe place for someone to fall. I will be an anchor when I am needed, and I will be willing to let someone go free when it’s time. I’ll be steady while everything around me shift and falls apart. I’ll make sure the best of him is spread all around this world every chance I get. I will be my Father’s Daughter. It is all I have really ever been or ever hope to be. I love you Dad.