Comparing Dirty Laundry...from the desk of "Clean Mom"
I am annoyed. I admit it. Sometimes I can just scroll by, or read a blog and shrug it off in an objective way. Other times, something just gets my goat. The goat has been gotten. Ugh. Numerous people on my friends list have been sharing posts about how you can have a messy house and be a good mom. Of course you can. There is nothing wrong with that message. I completely understand the writer's perspective. I have seen numerous other blog posts and articles conveying this same message. "It's ok to have a messy house! You are a good Mom!" Of course you are.
There are two parts of these posts that irk me. First, the subtle suggestion in all of these articles that a messy house is more fun. That a messy house shows how much more awesome mom stuff you're doing, so you just don't have time for cleaning. That being messy means you are more warm, inviting or loving. If you are doing awesome mom stuff, are warm, inviting, loving or playing, it isn't because your house is messy. It is because you obviously rock at this mom thing. Guess what? That's awesome! Your kids will remember that about you. Your style of parenting is a reflection of who you are. Do your thing, you sweet messy Mamas!
But maybe let's don't make being messy some sort of elite club, ummkay? I am a Clean Mom. And I am still a good Mom. Having a clean home is a priority for me. it just is. It isn't even something I have to work at, I am just built for efficiency and organization. It's just how my brain works. And honestly, I always have thought of my cleanliness and care for my home as an extension of the love I show for my family. I want my kids to be excited with their space. I want them to be able to find and enjoy their toys. I want them to be able to invite someone over anytime, and they don't have to worry about the house being wrecked. It's important to me. Until recently it never even occurred to me that there were Messy Moms out there who think people like me must be harsh, neglectful, or cold. That's just ridiculous. Completely insane, really. I clean houses for a living part time. Let me tell you, I see all kinds of messes for various reasons. Some people are very busy. I get that. Some people have too much stuff for their space. It happens. Some people just don't know how to deal with the clutter or mess. I get that too. Messy happens, people. And it's all ok.
Because of a series of daily habits of cleaning and keeping things tidy, it takes almost no time at all to keep my house clean. That's a part of the rub for me, is that people seem to think I am spending hours and hours slaving away like Cinderella. I can assure you, I'm not. This goes back to the efficiency part of it again. I have a routine. It makes it easy for me at home and when I clean for a client. Certain things I do every day (make beds, sort laundry, wash dishes, clean counters and sinks in kitchen). This literally takes me an hour total. All day. Usually in small amounts of time broken up into maybe 10-15 minutes at a time. Are my kids neglected? Ignored? For 15 minutes?? I think they will survive it. People spend more time than that checking email. I do the majority of my internet surfing late at night, after my kids are asleep. I am night owl, so this works for me. I have things I do every few days (laundry, vacuuming rugs and sweeping). Again, these are probably taking up 10 or 15 minutes at a time. I have other things that I do once a week (cleaning bathroom, dusting, mopping) This is the real time eater. I usually do it on Mondays. It takes about 2-3 hours to do this properly. But it's once a week. I have had to relax a bit after having 3 kids. I recognized early on I did NOT want to be the Mom screaming and yelling about crumbs on the floor.My kids are expected to keep their rooms reasonably tidy and have small responsibilities around the house as well. This takes very little time, because it is a daily occurrence. I recognize how much clutter and dirt totally bother me. I honestly start to feel anxious if it starts getting out of control around here. I can't function with stuff all over the place. I don't know why it bothers me so much, it just does. So, I try to balance it. And I don't freak out. Because most of the time, it is somewhat under control
There are lots of ways that having a clean house benefits my family. For one thing, we save a LOT of time. We don't have to search for things. We don't have frustration when leaving the house because we can't find our backpacks or shoes. I save a LOT of money. I am able to find the things I need, which means I am not out buying the same things over and over, because I can't find the first one. Our clothes last longer, because I am a ninja with the stain stick and am on top of the laundry situation. As a matter of fact, everything lasts longer, because I clean it and maintain it on a regular basis. It doesn't make me better than Messy Mom. It's just the way I run my home.
While Messy Mom is doing crafts or out in the yard blowing bubbles, I might be cooking dinner. Or vacuuming. I probably spend less time "playing" with my kids than some Moms do. That's by design. That's my choice. I don't consider parent directed play a vital part of their development. I let them play with each other and their peers. I do spend a lot of time interacting with my kids. We talk.We listen to music. We watch movies together. I take them to dance and basketball and football. I go to all their games and activities. I help them with homework. I hug them and kiss them and tell them regularly how amazing they are. I don't think there is any one "correct" way to engage with your kids. Interacting with them in a meaningful way is what counts. So, no, I am not so busy scrubbing things with a toothbrush that I don't have time to love my kids.
Now for the second part that annoys me. This is the larger issue at the heart of this post. The suggestion that there is an actual measurement for good mom/bad mom behavior. There isn't. Short of some sort of abuse or neglect, your kids are probably just fine. They will probably turn out ok. And no matter what you do, they will probably grow up and decide that you failed them in some way, or that certain aspects of their childhood could have been better. Welcome to parenthood in general. Thanks to social media, the "Mom Wars" are being played out over and over on every imaginable subject. Home School/Public School.Organic/Regular Food.Vaccines/No Vaccines.Breast Feeding/Bottle Feeding, Free Range/Helicopter. the list of comparisons and opinions is endless. You can learn a lot from other people's behavior. I have a pretty diverse group of friends, and that includes all kinds of Mamas. I try and learn from them and hope they can learn from me. There are plenty of variables involved in what makes us who we are. We should be embracing those differences, and stop buying into the "Are You Mom Enough?" narrative. It is exhausting and accomplishes nothing.
So, why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to one another? It isn't a race ladies. We all have to do what works for us. If it's working for you, do it. It's your home and your babies that are being raised. In the end, being true to yourself and knowing who you are are far more important than trying to keep up with anyone else. Really, it is even more important than keeping house:):) So you can compare your dirty laundry, let it pile up or go wash it for all I care. But let's stop trying to make other people feel "less than". Every situation is different, and every family is unique.
Love one another:)
There are two parts of these posts that irk me. First, the subtle suggestion in all of these articles that a messy house is more fun. That a messy house shows how much more awesome mom stuff you're doing, so you just don't have time for cleaning. That being messy means you are more warm, inviting or loving. If you are doing awesome mom stuff, are warm, inviting, loving or playing, it isn't because your house is messy. It is because you obviously rock at this mom thing. Guess what? That's awesome! Your kids will remember that about you. Your style of parenting is a reflection of who you are. Do your thing, you sweet messy Mamas!
But maybe let's don't make being messy some sort of elite club, ummkay? I am a Clean Mom. And I am still a good Mom. Having a clean home is a priority for me. it just is. It isn't even something I have to work at, I am just built for efficiency and organization. It's just how my brain works. And honestly, I always have thought of my cleanliness and care for my home as an extension of the love I show for my family. I want my kids to be excited with their space. I want them to be able to find and enjoy their toys. I want them to be able to invite someone over anytime, and they don't have to worry about the house being wrecked. It's important to me. Until recently it never even occurred to me that there were Messy Moms out there who think people like me must be harsh, neglectful, or cold. That's just ridiculous. Completely insane, really. I clean houses for a living part time. Let me tell you, I see all kinds of messes for various reasons. Some people are very busy. I get that. Some people have too much stuff for their space. It happens. Some people just don't know how to deal with the clutter or mess. I get that too. Messy happens, people. And it's all ok.
Because of a series of daily habits of cleaning and keeping things tidy, it takes almost no time at all to keep my house clean. That's a part of the rub for me, is that people seem to think I am spending hours and hours slaving away like Cinderella. I can assure you, I'm not. This goes back to the efficiency part of it again. I have a routine. It makes it easy for me at home and when I clean for a client. Certain things I do every day (make beds, sort laundry, wash dishes, clean counters and sinks in kitchen). This literally takes me an hour total. All day. Usually in small amounts of time broken up into maybe 10-15 minutes at a time. Are my kids neglected? Ignored? For 15 minutes?? I think they will survive it. People spend more time than that checking email. I do the majority of my internet surfing late at night, after my kids are asleep. I am night owl, so this works for me. I have things I do every few days (laundry, vacuuming rugs and sweeping). Again, these are probably taking up 10 or 15 minutes at a time. I have other things that I do once a week (cleaning bathroom, dusting, mopping) This is the real time eater. I usually do it on Mondays. It takes about 2-3 hours to do this properly. But it's once a week. I have had to relax a bit after having 3 kids. I recognized early on I did NOT want to be the Mom screaming and yelling about crumbs on the floor.My kids are expected to keep their rooms reasonably tidy and have small responsibilities around the house as well. This takes very little time, because it is a daily occurrence. I recognize how much clutter and dirt totally bother me. I honestly start to feel anxious if it starts getting out of control around here. I can't function with stuff all over the place. I don't know why it bothers me so much, it just does. So, I try to balance it. And I don't freak out. Because most of the time, it is somewhat under control
There are lots of ways that having a clean house benefits my family. For one thing, we save a LOT of time. We don't have to search for things. We don't have frustration when leaving the house because we can't find our backpacks or shoes. I save a LOT of money. I am able to find the things I need, which means I am not out buying the same things over and over, because I can't find the first one. Our clothes last longer, because I am a ninja with the stain stick and am on top of the laundry situation. As a matter of fact, everything lasts longer, because I clean it and maintain it on a regular basis. It doesn't make me better than Messy Mom. It's just the way I run my home.
While Messy Mom is doing crafts or out in the yard blowing bubbles, I might be cooking dinner. Or vacuuming. I probably spend less time "playing" with my kids than some Moms do. That's by design. That's my choice. I don't consider parent directed play a vital part of their development. I let them play with each other and their peers. I do spend a lot of time interacting with my kids. We talk.We listen to music. We watch movies together. I take them to dance and basketball and football. I go to all their games and activities. I help them with homework. I hug them and kiss them and tell them regularly how amazing they are. I don't think there is any one "correct" way to engage with your kids. Interacting with them in a meaningful way is what counts. So, no, I am not so busy scrubbing things with a toothbrush that I don't have time to love my kids.
Now for the second part that annoys me. This is the larger issue at the heart of this post. The suggestion that there is an actual measurement for good mom/bad mom behavior. There isn't. Short of some sort of abuse or neglect, your kids are probably just fine. They will probably turn out ok. And no matter what you do, they will probably grow up and decide that you failed them in some way, or that certain aspects of their childhood could have been better. Welcome to parenthood in general. Thanks to social media, the "Mom Wars" are being played out over and over on every imaginable subject. Home School/Public School.Organic/Regular Food.Vaccines/No Vaccines.Breast Feeding/Bottle Feeding, Free Range/Helicopter. the list of comparisons and opinions is endless. You can learn a lot from other people's behavior. I have a pretty diverse group of friends, and that includes all kinds of Mamas. I try and learn from them and hope they can learn from me. There are plenty of variables involved in what makes us who we are. We should be embracing those differences, and stop buying into the "Are You Mom Enough?" narrative. It is exhausting and accomplishes nothing.
So, why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to one another? It isn't a race ladies. We all have to do what works for us. If it's working for you, do it. It's your home and your babies that are being raised. In the end, being true to yourself and knowing who you are are far more important than trying to keep up with anyone else. Really, it is even more important than keeping house:):) So you can compare your dirty laundry, let it pile up or go wash it for all I care. But let's stop trying to make other people feel "less than". Every situation is different, and every family is unique.
Love one another:)
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